Disconnect to Reconnect

Let me start by making it perfectly clear that I love today’s technology as much as the next person.  Whether it is the iPod, iPhone, iMac, iPad or whatever your preferred device may be, most of us probably aren’t “unplugged” for long during the day.

I appreciate how these devices allow us to connect with friends and family, bank accounts, tv shows and movies and of course the talents of our favorite musicians.  However, I’ve noticed over the years how easy it is to fall prey to our wi-fi world.

How often do you notice a group of people, each on their phone connecting with others outside of their assembled group?  Last spring, I recall playfully confronting a table full of students during lunch when I noticed that each of the 8 students was engaged on their phones and not conversing with one another at all.

I’m not suggesting a need to give up today’s technology altogether, but rather to recognize how it can impact our ability to connect with one another in a face-to-face, more personal manner.

I believe these efforts should be intentional; in other words, find what works for you and make a concerted effort to connect more with the people in your presence.  Maybe it means trying to go a few days without facebook or a week without tv or something of the sort.

Personally, I enjoy hiking, camping, and backpacking in areas that do not receive cellular service as a way to connect; not only with those joining me but also with nature. I’ve also learned that connecting doesn’t require me to even leave my own home.  For example, my family and I enjoy playing card games and board games.  It affords us time together and promotes light-hearted conversation. 

This summer as I walked our dog around various campgrounds I was encouraged as I saw countless families and groups of friends sitting around campfires sharing laughs.  What a simple way to connect with others.

As a high school counselor, I recognize that it’s not always easy to find the time for teenagers and their parents / guardians to connect.  Or maybe I should say, it’s not always easy for parents / guardians to find willing participants when trying to recruit their teen sons and daughters for good old-fashioned family fun.  Not to mention, once the school year begins and everyone gets busy with homework, extra-curricular activities and work commitments it can be difficult to carve out time together even if there is a desire to spend time connecting. 

If there’s not a willingness on behalf of the teen(s) to spend more time together, I would suggest to parents / guardians that finding a resource such as “How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk” may help to offer some simple ways to help their teen(s) to open up.  The following link offers a summary of the book’s content for those who are interested:

http://www.parentbooksummaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/02-How-to-Talk-so-Kids-Will-Listen.pdf

While it may sound too simplistic, our family has found success over the years by requesting our children to spend time with each parent once per month engaged in an activity.  It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, maybe a drive to get an ice-cream cone, a bike ride, a game of horse, or whatever might be mutually enjoyable for you and your child.

Additionally, if teens are reading this and looking for an out of the box idea and are up for a challenge I’ll offer an idea I heard recently from our college age son.  He told of a recent gathering with friends in which they collected everyone’s phones at the beginning of the night and simply hung out at someone’s home and listened to music and talked to each other for a couple hours.  When I asked how it went, he simply said, “It was fun to not have anyone distracted by their phone”.  Willing to try it yourself for a night?  Or maybe even for an hour?

Lastly, on the topic of connecting I think it’s important to bring up the importance of school connectedness.  It relates to the notion that as educators, we work hard to ensure that our students 1) Enjoy coming to school 2) Have positive relationships with teachers and other adults at school 3) Are proud to be at our school and 4) Feel like they belong at the school.  Multiple research studies show that students who experience school connectedness achieve higher grades and higher graduation rates. 

In summary, I strongly believe that it is imperative for our students to feel connected to their peers, their parents / guardians, and school.  And if that means taking a break occasionally from our increasingly connected world to re-connect with one another it is most certainly worth it!

Robin Williams & Mental Health Awareness

I feel compelled to pay homage to Robin Williams out of respect for all the positive things he shared during his life, but in doing so I believe it is also appropriate to shine a light on the importance of mental health awareness.

I’ve been a Robin Williams fan for as long as I can remember and have claimed Good Will Hunting as my favorite film for more than 15 years since its release.  Watching this movie makes me want to be the type of counselor who can connect with someone no matter how insurmountable the barriers seem to be.  Also in my top 5 movies of all time, I would place both Dead Poet’s Society and Patch Adams.  Whether Robin Williams plays a counselor, an educator, or a doctor in training there is something so genuine and inspiring about his characters.  There is a depth he brought to his roles that I personally believe is unrivaled.

In addition to his characters on the big screen, many of us felt like we were able to get to know him through his frequent appearances on the late night talk show circuit.  And while we were told of his battles with depression and addiction, it seemed hard to believe because of the pure laughter and joy that overflowed during these appearances.  The question begs to be asked, ‘What was he experiencing on the inside that most of us were unable to see?’  During this past week as I’ve read countless remembrances of Robin Williams I was struck by a question he once asked of Dick Cavett of the Dick Cavett Show following a performance at a comedy club, “Isn’t it funny how I can bring great happiness to all these people, “ he said.  “But not to myself?”

How many of us bottle things up and put on a brave face while we suffer or struggle inside?  One could argue that this is how many people cope with life’s struggles, but at what point do we need to recruit professional help?  I believe Dr. Drew Pinsky of HLN summed it up best in a recent online posting:

Some with mental illness work hard to hide it. We all present to the world what we want it to see. Being funny may have been a mask for Williams.  Psychiatric conditions do not discriminate. They affect old and young. Rich and poor. The well-educated and high school dropouts. People of all colors and socio-economic groups. If there’s a message in Williams’ death, it’s this: It is really important to remind ourselves that these medical conditions are serious. If you or a loved one are struggling with this sort of thing, please take advantage of treatment and stay with it. You are not at fault. You are not to blame. Reach out. Often the solution can be in your connection to others.  Find a licensed professional and follow treatment recommendations. Treatment is usually successful. There is hope.  

In addition, Williams’ wife, Susan Schneider, offered similar advice following his death, “It is our hope in the wake of Robin’s tragic passing, that others will find the strength to seek the care and support they need to treat whatever battles they are facing so they may feel less afraid”.

At this point some of you may be wondering how much of an issue is depression and / or suicidal ideation for today’s local youth.  The statistics put out by the ND Department of Public Instruction from the 2013 Youth Risk Behavior Survey indicate that it is likely a much bigger concern than many of us in North Dakota would otherwise guess.

The above chart shows us that roughly 1 in 6 ND high school students has seriously considered attempting suicide during the past year and the chart below shows us that these most recent results reflect the highest percentage in the last 10 years.

Do you find the above charts as alarming as I do?  If so, please consider helping to bring attention to mental health awareness by participating in the upcoming Altru / TEARS Walk for Suicide Prevention.  For those unfamiliar with TEARS, it stands for Together we Educate About the Realities of Suicide and seeks to educate our community, adults and students alike, on the signs and symptoms of depression and suicide in an effort to prevent further suicides in our area.  TEARS also seeks to support individuals and families who have lost a loved one to suicide.

In closing, I am sad for the recent loss of Robin Williams, but I am also reminded of the young people I have taught who also died too soon from suicide.  In addition, I think of their loved ones who likely live on with questions and heartache and need support too.  For those of you in the local Grand Forks area please consider attending the following support group: 

Trust

Welcome to this inaugural Blog entry.  Please take a few minutes out of your day to CONTEMPLATE today's topic, "Trust" and help to keep the conversation going.

The idea for this initial topic actually struck me as I was driving through the mountains outside of Denver, Colorado earlier this summer.  I was working hard to stay alert as I passed the semi trucks chugging their way up the mountain passes when a pickup truck passed me to my left.  I couldn't help but notice the water heater strapped precariously in the truck bed.  It appeared to be held in place by not much more than bungee cords.  I was no longer paying much attention to the storm clouds above nor my own fatigue, but rather as he pulled in directly in front of me, I was struck by the blind trust I was placing in the truck's driver who had likely been the one to rig together the straps holding the water heater in place.  Wedged in the center lane next to the semi trucks on my right and the faster, sleeker vehicles streaming past me on my left I found myself following this water heater up the mountain longer than I hoped I would have to.  It dawned on me that I was also trusting the manufacturer of said straps as much as I was the driver…"Please don't snap, please don't snap," I said to myself during the climb.

Then, even though I was tuned in to all that I needed to be to keep safe… the weather, the surrounding vehicles, the mountain roads, and this crazy water heater, I was struck by the thought  that each day during the school year parents place similar levels of trust in those of us who work with their children in schools.  Trust that we will educate their children.  Trust that we will help to keep them safe while in our care.  Trust that we will help instill the values to help mold their children into responsible citizens.

Then, I began to think of the circular fashion in which this trust flows.

As educators, we trust that the students will take what we present to them seriously and do all they can to learn as we ask them to.  We trust that parents will help deliver well-rested, nourished, and respectful children to school each day.

As students, you want to be trusted by both parents and educators alike.  Trusted to make your own, independent decisions.  Trusted to go about your day, probably with the hope that as adults we won't show a lack of faith and remind, nag, and hassle you to follow all the instructions that come your way throughout the course of a typical day.

As parents, not only are you trusting of the educators, but also your own children.  Trusting that they will follow your advice, even when you are not by their side to offer reminders.  Trust that they will do what's right, even if no one is watching.

So let's turn to a school counselor's role in all this.  Trust.  It seems simple enough, right?  We work hard to earn the trust of our students and our students' parents.  Upon our first meeting with each of you, we want to be seen as someone who you can turn to in times of crisis.  In fact,  our goal is to be a resource for students, parents, teachers, and administrators no matter how big or small a concern might be.

I believe this starts by facilitating open and honest communication.  We want to hear from you about your struggles and successes.  This helps us to get to know you and build that trust relationship.  In fact, to quote a former American School Counselor Association (ASCA) School Counselor of the Year, Tami Mackeben, "Communication is vitally, vitally important to trust and respect.  I don't think it's any different building trust on a campus as a school counselor than it is building trust with anyone, with your family, with your kids, with anyone.  You build it by being consistent and following through on things."

As school counselors we will work hard to earn your respect and trust and we thank you for your role in this journey we call education!

Now if I could just pass this truck and get that water heater in my rear view mirror.

Students - Please tell us how trusted you feel and what seems fair to ask of you in situations where you might have to work to earn trust back.

Educators - Start a conversation about how your classroom runs better when there seems to be mutual respect and trust.

Parents - Help outline the struggles that can exist when trying to raise teenagers in this day and age and still show trust in your own children.

Counselors / Administrators - What have you found to be the most effective way at building trust with students and / or parents?

Thanks in advance for your "Contemplations"!  Go ahead and post your comments below.

P.S.  This blog entry is dedicated to my Great-Grandmother, Elizbeth Duerr, who lived to be 104 years old and always told me you could trust someone who would look you in the eye when they shook your hand!