In Love

I was struck this evening by the thoughts of the many people, places, and things that I love.  Here's an unfiltered look into my mind...

I love my family...my wife, my children, my parents and my siblings.

I love the passion my colleagues bring with them to work as we seek to help students & families.

I love the crisp feeling of fall in the air.

I love the fact that the Twins will be playing October baseball this year.

I love that my Blogger account waits for me to write my next blog even though I've only written 6 entries since 2014.

I love when teenagers are willing to take a chance and be themselves at the risk of being a little different from their peers.

I love the satisfaction that comes at the end of a long day's work.

I love when people don't take themselves too seriously.

I love introducing the elephant in the room rather than looking the other way.

I love the occasional nap.

I love having a dog after not having grown up with one.

I love the simplicity that comes with camping and backpacking.

I love getting lost in a good book.

I love my new job and the meaningful conversations I've been able to have about mental health.

I love sitting around a good fire and laughing with friends and family.

I love finding the good in the people I meet.

I love the planning that goes into a trip just as much as the trip itself.

I love the peace and quiet that comes with an early morning.

Who, where, and what do you love?

What have I learned lately?

What have I learned lately?

For starters, I’ve learned that I can “write” plenty of blogs in my head, but getting them to a keyboard is another story entirely.  It’s been a year and a half since my last Counselor Contemplations blog entry...far too long by almost every measure.

But I’m not going to be too hard on myself.

Why, you might ask.  Well, in my work with students, parents, and teachers I find that a lot of people are pretty hard on themselves.  To the degree that I often find myself suggesting to others that they not be too hard on themselves.

Life comes with plenty of challenges.  We all face them.  Granted, they are different for each one of us.  Medical challenges.  Relationship challenges.  Academic challenges.  Mental health challenges.  Financial challenges.  And of course, the day to day challenges of simply trying to “keep up” with everyone and everything.

This blog, even with its infrequent posts, has reminded me how much I like to write.  So rather than be too hard on myself, I’ll simply heed my own advice and look for the opportunity that presents itself.  In this case, the opportunity to carve out 10, 20, or 30 minutes more often and put my thoughts down in print and share them with others.

So what else inspired the title of this blog entry?  The fact that there are opportunities to learn every day from those around us if we take time to pause and reflect on those experiences.



Some of the things that have given me pause over the past year…

*My experience has shown that teens are far more appreciative than most adults give them credit for.
*Winter in North Dakota always comes to an end, even when it feels like it will never come to an end.
*Teamwork and positive working relationships feel really good when they are genuine.
*Games are far more than just games...they are an opportunity to connect and engage with those around us.
*No matter where you are on the introvert / extrovert scale, human connection is good, but so is time spent in silent reflection.
*Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it!

What have you learned lately?

Simple Pleasures

A hike in the fall of the year with golden leaves fluttering to the ground.

Practicing the harmonica I had put on the shelf for the past 15 years.

Sampling my wife's homemade applesauce.

These are just a few of the simple pleasures I have enjoyed in the past week.

What's the definition of a simple pleasure?  Simply put, they are pleasures in life that are available to most people.

In my most recent blog, I asked the question, "Are you taking things for granted?"

If you are a person who doesn't take things for granted, it's also likely that you've thought about life's simple pleasures and made a point to indulge yourself.

So my new question for you is simple - What are your simple pleasures?  What do you enjoy that doesn't require much money or much advanced planning?

Maybe it's a bike ride with a friend?  A Friday night movie with a bowl of popcorn?

I hope you have both some "go-to simple pleasures" and also the willingness to spontaneously indulge in some "unexpected simple pleasures".

And needless to say, it's also my hope that these simple pleasures are legal.  As someone who has spent my adult life working with teens, I've worked hard to help empower these teens to find their simple pleasures in ways that are void of using drugs and alcohol.

I've often asked myself this question...what causes teens to choose drugs and / or alcohol over life's simple pleasures.

I believe the following links may help you give this question proper thought:

http://www.drugfree.org/resources/top-8-reasons-why-teens-try-alcohol-and-drugs/

https://www.tpaddictiontreatment.com/news-events/latest-articles/why-do-teens-use-drugs

https://www.promises.com/articles/teens/10-reasons-teens-abuse-alcohol-or-drugs/

I encourage you to contemplate what it is that gives you pleasure and to indulge in these things.  And if you are a teen struggling to find positive outlets or a parent who is concerned about your teen,  I encourage you to reach out to your school counselor and start a conversation.  Sometimes something as simple as a face to face conversation about your life can qualify as a simple pleasure!

Taking Things for Granted?

Have you ever taken something for granted?

I know I have.  I work hard not to though.

Taking something for granted suggests that we:
     A) Expect something to be available all the time
     B) Value something too lightly

The first time I contemplated the possibility of taking things for granted was back in elementary school.  I recall writing a paper for my 5th grade teacher titled, "Taking water for granite".  I obviously didn't fully understand what I was talking about at the time, but at least I was beginning to explore the items in my life that I expected to ALWAYS be available to me or valued too lightly.

The list of things many of us may take for granted is likely quite exhausting...water, cars, homes, food, electricity, public schools, and the list goes on.

For me, I think part of the reason I enjoy camping and backpacking so much is that these activities remind me not to take things for granted.  Sleeping on the ground for a few nights and I appreciate my bed all the more.  Investing the time to cook over an open flame and I appreciate the convenience of my gas grill.  Working to filter water from a backcountry lake and I appreciate the ease of getting filtered water at the push of a button from our refrigerator.  You get the idea.

Now let's take this idea and apply it to education in our modern world.  Many of today's students don't have to walk uphill both ways to get from the farm to school and back :)  Does that mean that all of today's students take education for granted?  Of course not.

But do some of our students not fully appreciate all of the opportunities that an education affords them?  It's quite likely that at least some of today's students value their education too lightly.  So if this is the case, how do we do something to change this view?  I certainly wouldn't suggest we have our students go without school for awhile to help them realize how lucky they are to be in the classroom.

For starters, many of our homegrown students could learn a thing or two about the value of education by getting to know our English Language Learner (ELL) students and hearing their stories.  Many of these students come to our country and have not been afforded a proper education in their homeland.  And while school may initially be difficult for many of these students, this is often due in large part to the language barrier that exists.  However, I often see the excitement in their eyes when they first arrive and have the opportunity to learn in our school.  I recall seeing students participate in a project last year which paired senior composition students with ELL students and provided each of them the opportunity to learn from one another.  I believe the composition students likely learned far more than just how to write a proper paper.  I'm sure many of these students also learned to further appreciate the value of their education.

This of course is just one example of the ways in which we can help make sure we don't take our modern day education for granted.  Another idea is for each of us to spend time reflecting on how lucky we are to live in today's world.  A simple way to do this is to take 10 minutes to make a list of the 20 people, places, and things you value most in your life.  This is a simple activity that I have instructed many students to do over the years and it really helps one reflect on the blessings in life.

In schools, we should encourage students to participate in reflective writing.  A number of studies over the years have shown that reflective writing helps students K-12 grow academically.  In short, reflection helps students think about their thinking.

Who knows, maybe after reading this you'll decide to engage in some reflective writing and start your own blog or add an entry to an already existing blog.  If so, I would encourage you to reflect and ask yourself, "What have I taken for granted and what can I do about it?"

In closing, don't get down on yourself if it takes you awhile to write your blog entry.  After all, this entry was started nearly 2 years ago and I just now put the finishing touches on it.  Apparently, I needed the extra time to reflect on this topic :) But rest assured, I don't take that time for granted!

Disconnect to Reconnect

Let me start by making it perfectly clear that I love today’s technology as much as the next person.  Whether it is the iPod, iPhone, iMac, iPad or whatever your preferred device may be, most of us probably aren’t “unplugged” for long during the day.

I appreciate how these devices allow us to connect with friends and family, bank accounts, tv shows and movies and of course the talents of our favorite musicians.  However, I’ve noticed over the years how easy it is to fall prey to our wi-fi world.

How often do you notice a group of people, each on their phone connecting with others outside of their assembled group?  Last spring, I recall playfully confronting a table full of students during lunch when I noticed that each of the 8 students was engaged on their phones and not conversing with one another at all.

I’m not suggesting a need to give up today’s technology altogether, but rather to recognize how it can impact our ability to connect with one another in a face-to-face, more personal manner.

I believe these efforts should be intentional; in other words, find what works for you and make a concerted effort to connect more with the people in your presence.  Maybe it means trying to go a few days without facebook or a week without tv or something of the sort.

Personally, I enjoy hiking, camping, and backpacking in areas that do not receive cellular service as a way to connect; not only with those joining me but also with nature. I’ve also learned that connecting doesn’t require me to even leave my own home.  For example, my family and I enjoy playing card games and board games.  It affords us time together and promotes light-hearted conversation. 

This summer as I walked our dog around various campgrounds I was encouraged as I saw countless families and groups of friends sitting around campfires sharing laughs.  What a simple way to connect with others.

As a high school counselor, I recognize that it’s not always easy to find the time for teenagers and their parents / guardians to connect.  Or maybe I should say, it’s not always easy for parents / guardians to find willing participants when trying to recruit their teen sons and daughters for good old-fashioned family fun.  Not to mention, once the school year begins and everyone gets busy with homework, extra-curricular activities and work commitments it can be difficult to carve out time together even if there is a desire to spend time connecting. 

If there’s not a willingness on behalf of the teen(s) to spend more time together, I would suggest to parents / guardians that finding a resource such as “How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk” may help to offer some simple ways to help their teen(s) to open up.  The following link offers a summary of the book’s content for those who are interested:

http://www.parentbooksummaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/02-How-to-Talk-so-Kids-Will-Listen.pdf

While it may sound too simplistic, our family has found success over the years by requesting our children to spend time with each parent once per month engaged in an activity.  It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, maybe a drive to get an ice-cream cone, a bike ride, a game of horse, or whatever might be mutually enjoyable for you and your child.

Additionally, if teens are reading this and looking for an out of the box idea and are up for a challenge I’ll offer an idea I heard recently from our college age son.  He told of a recent gathering with friends in which they collected everyone’s phones at the beginning of the night and simply hung out at someone’s home and listened to music and talked to each other for a couple hours.  When I asked how it went, he simply said, “It was fun to not have anyone distracted by their phone”.  Willing to try it yourself for a night?  Or maybe even for an hour?

Lastly, on the topic of connecting I think it’s important to bring up the importance of school connectedness.  It relates to the notion that as educators, we work hard to ensure that our students 1) Enjoy coming to school 2) Have positive relationships with teachers and other adults at school 3) Are proud to be at our school and 4) Feel like they belong at the school.  Multiple research studies show that students who experience school connectedness achieve higher grades and higher graduation rates. 

In summary, I strongly believe that it is imperative for our students to feel connected to their peers, their parents / guardians, and school.  And if that means taking a break occasionally from our increasingly connected world to re-connect with one another it is most certainly worth it!

Robin Williams & Mental Health Awareness

I feel compelled to pay homage to Robin Williams out of respect for all the positive things he shared during his life, but in doing so I believe it is also appropriate to shine a light on the importance of mental health awareness.

I’ve been a Robin Williams fan for as long as I can remember and have claimed Good Will Hunting as my favorite film for more than 15 years since its release.  Watching this movie makes me want to be the type of counselor who can connect with someone no matter how insurmountable the barriers seem to be.  Also in my top 5 movies of all time, I would place both Dead Poet’s Society and Patch Adams.  Whether Robin Williams plays a counselor, an educator, or a doctor in training there is something so genuine and inspiring about his characters.  There is a depth he brought to his roles that I personally believe is unrivaled.

In addition to his characters on the big screen, many of us felt like we were able to get to know him through his frequent appearances on the late night talk show circuit.  And while we were told of his battles with depression and addiction, it seemed hard to believe because of the pure laughter and joy that overflowed during these appearances.  The question begs to be asked, ‘What was he experiencing on the inside that most of us were unable to see?’  During this past week as I’ve read countless remembrances of Robin Williams I was struck by a question he once asked of Dick Cavett of the Dick Cavett Show following a performance at a comedy club, “Isn’t it funny how I can bring great happiness to all these people, “ he said.  “But not to myself?”

How many of us bottle things up and put on a brave face while we suffer or struggle inside?  One could argue that this is how many people cope with life’s struggles, but at what point do we need to recruit professional help?  I believe Dr. Drew Pinsky of HLN summed it up best in a recent online posting:

Some with mental illness work hard to hide it. We all present to the world what we want it to see. Being funny may have been a mask for Williams.  Psychiatric conditions do not discriminate. They affect old and young. Rich and poor. The well-educated and high school dropouts. People of all colors and socio-economic groups. If there’s a message in Williams’ death, it’s this: It is really important to remind ourselves that these medical conditions are serious. If you or a loved one are struggling with this sort of thing, please take advantage of treatment and stay with it. You are not at fault. You are not to blame. Reach out. Often the solution can be in your connection to others.  Find a licensed professional and follow treatment recommendations. Treatment is usually successful. There is hope.  

In addition, Williams’ wife, Susan Schneider, offered similar advice following his death, “It is our hope in the wake of Robin’s tragic passing, that others will find the strength to seek the care and support they need to treat whatever battles they are facing so they may feel less afraid”.

At this point some of you may be wondering how much of an issue is depression and / or suicidal ideation for today’s local youth.  The statistics put out by the ND Department of Public Instruction from the 2013 Youth Risk Behavior Survey indicate that it is likely a much bigger concern than many of us in North Dakota would otherwise guess.

The above chart shows us that roughly 1 in 6 ND high school students has seriously considered attempting suicide during the past year and the chart below shows us that these most recent results reflect the highest percentage in the last 10 years.

Do you find the above charts as alarming as I do?  If so, please consider helping to bring attention to mental health awareness by participating in the upcoming Altru / TEARS Walk for Suicide Prevention.  For those unfamiliar with TEARS, it stands for Together we Educate About the Realities of Suicide and seeks to educate our community, adults and students alike, on the signs and symptoms of depression and suicide in an effort to prevent further suicides in our area.  TEARS also seeks to support individuals and families who have lost a loved one to suicide.

In closing, I am sad for the recent loss of Robin Williams, but I am also reminded of the young people I have taught who also died too soon from suicide.  In addition, I think of their loved ones who likely live on with questions and heartache and need support too.  For those of you in the local Grand Forks area please consider attending the following support group: 

Trust

Welcome to this inaugural Blog entry.  Please take a few minutes out of your day to CONTEMPLATE today's topic, "Trust" and help to keep the conversation going.

The idea for this initial topic actually struck me as I was driving through the mountains outside of Denver, Colorado earlier this summer.  I was working hard to stay alert as I passed the semi trucks chugging their way up the mountain passes when a pickup truck passed me to my left.  I couldn't help but notice the water heater strapped precariously in the truck bed.  It appeared to be held in place by not much more than bungee cords.  I was no longer paying much attention to the storm clouds above nor my own fatigue, but rather as he pulled in directly in front of me, I was struck by the blind trust I was placing in the truck's driver who had likely been the one to rig together the straps holding the water heater in place.  Wedged in the center lane next to the semi trucks on my right and the faster, sleeker vehicles streaming past me on my left I found myself following this water heater up the mountain longer than I hoped I would have to.  It dawned on me that I was also trusting the manufacturer of said straps as much as I was the driver…"Please don't snap, please don't snap," I said to myself during the climb.

Then, even though I was tuned in to all that I needed to be to keep safe… the weather, the surrounding vehicles, the mountain roads, and this crazy water heater, I was struck by the thought  that each day during the school year parents place similar levels of trust in those of us who work with their children in schools.  Trust that we will educate their children.  Trust that we will help to keep them safe while in our care.  Trust that we will help instill the values to help mold their children into responsible citizens.

Then, I began to think of the circular fashion in which this trust flows.

As educators, we trust that the students will take what we present to them seriously and do all they can to learn as we ask them to.  We trust that parents will help deliver well-rested, nourished, and respectful children to school each day.

As students, you want to be trusted by both parents and educators alike.  Trusted to make your own, independent decisions.  Trusted to go about your day, probably with the hope that as adults we won't show a lack of faith and remind, nag, and hassle you to follow all the instructions that come your way throughout the course of a typical day.

As parents, not only are you trusting of the educators, but also your own children.  Trusting that they will follow your advice, even when you are not by their side to offer reminders.  Trust that they will do what's right, even if no one is watching.

So let's turn to a school counselor's role in all this.  Trust.  It seems simple enough, right?  We work hard to earn the trust of our students and our students' parents.  Upon our first meeting with each of you, we want to be seen as someone who you can turn to in times of crisis.  In fact,  our goal is to be a resource for students, parents, teachers, and administrators no matter how big or small a concern might be.

I believe this starts by facilitating open and honest communication.  We want to hear from you about your struggles and successes.  This helps us to get to know you and build that trust relationship.  In fact, to quote a former American School Counselor Association (ASCA) School Counselor of the Year, Tami Mackeben, "Communication is vitally, vitally important to trust and respect.  I don't think it's any different building trust on a campus as a school counselor than it is building trust with anyone, with your family, with your kids, with anyone.  You build it by being consistent and following through on things."

As school counselors we will work hard to earn your respect and trust and we thank you for your role in this journey we call education!

Now if I could just pass this truck and get that water heater in my rear view mirror.

Students - Please tell us how trusted you feel and what seems fair to ask of you in situations where you might have to work to earn trust back.

Educators - Start a conversation about how your classroom runs better when there seems to be mutual respect and trust.

Parents - Help outline the struggles that can exist when trying to raise teenagers in this day and age and still show trust in your own children.

Counselors / Administrators - What have you found to be the most effective way at building trust with students and / or parents?

Thanks in advance for your "Contemplations"!  Go ahead and post your comments below.

P.S.  This blog entry is dedicated to my Great-Grandmother, Elizbeth Duerr, who lived to be 104 years old and always told me you could trust someone who would look you in the eye when they shook your hand!